Yep; the ‘ex’ is coming back.
In January of last year I started to chat to this great bloke that I met on the Internet. We chatted for about a month over the phone and on MSN. I finally plucked up the courage to meet him in February. We met in the city centre (Newcastle, UK) and pretty quickly went back to his place. He was a little older than me (38 and I was 25), but age has never really mattered to me, so that was fine. He was very attentive and absolutely gorgeous. We spent that night together and we met up with each other when we could. Very quickly we started spending weekends at each others apartments and everything seemed to be going well.
A few months into the relationship, he announced that he was thinking of moving back to the area where his family live in Hampshire (approx 300 miles from Newcastle). This was a total shock as I thought that he was pretty settled here and we were getting on really well. At first he asked me to move with him and later he changed his mind saying that he didn’t want me to spoil my career because of him. We talked about this on a couple of occasions, but he wasn’t really one for talking about his feelings and plans for the future. Anyway, to cut a very long story a little shorter, it turned out that the reason for his move was because his mother was in ill health. We decided that we would try the long distance relationship thing. He would move to Hampshire and I would stay in Newcastle. We decided that we would get together at least once every month for a long weekend or something.
Ryan moved in with me in July last year and everything was going great. I’ve never really been one for sharing my space with people, but I have to admit that I was totally head over heels in love with him. Just being with him gave me a warm feeling inside and I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face!
In August last year, Ryan moved to Hampshire and moved in with his parents. His parents were going through a rough time as his mother thought that she was very ill. It turned out that his mother was okay and it turned out that he had already told his family that he was moving back to the area for good (he just forgot to tell me that)! I also found out during this time that Ryan wasn’t the name that he was born with, but the reasons for him changing his name were not shared. I also found out that he had lied about his age too (not by much, my friends would say), but that wasn’t the point!
We did manage to get together most months for a long weekend together, but I just couldn’t talk to him about plans for the future for fear of ruining the few precious days that we had together. I think this suited him just fine, but things were getting me down. I felt as though he was just messing with my head. At the point when he moved to Hampshire he told me that he’d be back in about three months; then it was six months.
During this time I had many ‘wobbles’ as he used to call them, where I would tell him that I couldn’t do the long distance thing and I thought that we should separate. He always convinced me that he thought the world of me and was totally in love with me and we should stick with it. He even said that he wanted to marry me one day! I couldn’t believe it! I’d found someone that wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, and I knew deep down that if he was around, I would be able to spend the rest of my life with him too.
This dragged on and on for months and I felt that he was just playing games with me. I’d found loads of stuff on his computer about conversations that he’d had with his best mate saying that he had been lining up a lot of ‘shags’ before moving to Hampshire. I confronted him about it and he said that it was just stupid Internet talk and that he hadn’t done anything. Well I didn’t really believe what he said to me and this just kept eating away at me (I’m insecure at the best of times and this just made me ten times worse).
Anyway, I found out that he’d been making arrangements to meet up with people and sending them pictures of his cock and stuff. He tried to explain that away as ‘just Internet talk’ as well!! I accepted it at the time, but his visits to me in Newcastle had stopped by then and this made me feel even worse. There were a lot of other stressors in my life at the time too and in March of this year it culminated in me attempting suicide and being admitted to the Psychiatric ward at the local hospital.
Fortunately I didn’t spend much time in hospital, but it took a lot of time for me to get back to my usual self. I made some big decisions about work and my life in general and unfortunately one of them was to end my relationship with Ryan. It was the hardest decision I’ve had to make really. I know that I love him with all of my heart, but I couldn’t cope with the distance between us. I told Ryan a couple of weeks ago that he needs to come back and collect all of his belongings which are still at my place. He agreed and said that he would be up at the end of this month.
As it’s half way through the month now I’ve found myself getting more and more worried about how I’ll feel about him when I see him again. When we were in the relationship together, every time he came home it was like he totally changed my life and it was like nothing else in the world mattered. I loved that feeling and I loved being with him; I’m just hoping that I’ll be strong enough to stick to my decision. On the other hand I think maybe I’m being a bit presumptuous. He probably doesn’t have the same feelings for me now as he did then.
I know that I made the right decision for me at the time, but if he were to move back to the area, I’m not sure whether that would change the way I feel and the decision that I made.
