Some people might be wondering where I’ve been as I haven’t written anything for quite a while. Well, for the second time this year I’ve been off work due to a severe depression. I’m sure many of you will have experienced this or will experience this throughout your lifetime as 1 in 3 people suffer from some mental illness at some point in their life.
Back in Februaury this year I had three months off from work due to a severe depression. I ended up attempting suicide and being hospitalised (on a psychiatric ward) for a couple of weeks. I left hospital feeling quite positive, but later split with my boyfriend and things seemed to go from bad to worse. I did manage to get through that rough time and managed to get back to work. My boss was very demanding of me at the time and did not show any understanding that I expected from a social work manager. I eventually left the local authority that I was working for and joined a social work agency.
Life seemed pretty damn great at that time, but a little unsettling that I may struggle to get work being with an agency. Within a few days I had my first job with the agency (for another local authority). The manager was great and very understanding of why I had taken time off in the past. The work itself and the team of social workers were great (very supportive and friendly). Unfortunately, two months into the job, I hit another severe depression which has led to me taking more time off work again.
I tried to commit suicide again a couple of weeks ago and now have more professionals involved with me. They are now saying that they think that I have Bipolar (manic depression). I know a little about this from being a social worker and having worked with people who suffer from mental illness. I never thought that this would be me though.
I guess now is the time that I need to re-evaluate things. I need to work out the important things and people in my life. I know that I can do alright if this is managed well and I take the anti-depressants that have been prescribed for me (Prozac). I’ve heard many different things about Prozac, but I’m prepared to give anything a go at the minute. If anyone has taken these before I would appreciate your comments about them if you would like to share.
I’ve noticed many things about myself and my ‘depressive’ and ‘manic’ states over this year. It does seem strange that this has just developed over the past year, but I guess thats what happens. I’ve noticed that some of my behaviours don’t help so I’m now trying to change them. It’s very hard as I’ve become so used to them. I like a drink just like the next person, but I need to stop drinking now as that is when I do the stupid suicide attempts. I also like to smoke cannabis – I love the mellow out feeling and I find it so relaxing after a day at work. I haven’t smoked any now for two weeks and I do feel a little better for it, I guess.
Now I need to re-evaluate friendships, which is going to be a hard task in itself and I know that I need to find other ways of relaxing and filling my free time. Some of my friends claim to understand my need to do this, but when I ask them to join me with different activities such as sports, they turn me down. I’m not the most fit person in the world, in fact I’m overweight and probably quite unhealthy due to smoking etc etc. I guess I just need to get out there and do this for me otherwise nothing is going to change and I might just end up isolating myself even more than I did when I was smoking cannabis.
I guess I just find it scary at first. I hate some social situations like going out with work colleagues. I’m not sure whether thats just because all they talk about is work or whether it is a genuine hate of a social situation. I joined the gym once and went along with my sister, but that wasn’t the best experience. I think I need to give myself a good kick up the arse and just do it. I keep telling myself that there are many things in life that are not good experiences, but that just have to be done sometimes – that doesn’t make it any easier though, lol.
I should just take a long hard look at myself and my life. I know that I am fortunate to have all that I have and there are many people worse off than I am. I now have a career and a lot of my friends don’t have that and aren’t likely to have that. I should just grab this opportunity with both hands and be greatful for what I have.
